It’s not you, it’s me….(written a few months ago).
Around 6 months ago I started to acknowledge that something wasn’t quite right. Things weren’t clicking into place as they should, the recycling was a little more than it should be. I was having trouble switching off and being a mum. In a world of constant distraction I casually mentioned the word PND.
It started off quite simply in conversation. What had taken me months to get the courage to admit was over and done with in one simple conversation.
‘I think I have PND’
And like that I started the ball rolling. Sounds so simple when I say it out now.
I was not the great mother to 3 doing so well, I became anxious about leaving the house with my children. I withdrew from social events. Some days I would not dress, brush my teeth and I would go to bed when the baby did. I would play on twitter/facebook rather than talk to my husband because I felt lost. I didn’t know what to talk about and how to talk. To do that I would take courage from a bottle.
After saying those words things slid into place. My GP referral is yet to come through. It’s been 8 months since they said I had PND. I’ve been waiting and chasing.
So I decided to do something for me and battle this out if I can’t get the professional help I need. We can’t afford to pay for a councillor and the referral system makes me skeptical to when I will finally find a place to talk.
I started off simply, finding a group of women online to talk to. I watched the #PND hour on twitter and gleamed what help I could from watching other mums talk. Self-help was my only way forward. Seems I am bang on trend for the buzz word of 2017.
So when you look at me and say I am doing so well, I am a role model and brave for being a mum of 3…I may look at you blankly. It’s not you, it’s me. And some days I feel utterly alone.